the smallness of small-talk

Welcome to my new blog! And when I say new I mean it's the same blog as before except for I gave it a little bit of a makeover and have resolved to start actually blogging. One might say that before it was a "blah" and now it is a "blog." One might also say that that's a lame thing to say. Both of them would be right. Also they would become two. (get it).

When there is a clear disconnect between two things in a conversation, one thing I like to do is brush the whole discussion off by saying 'semantics.' When I do this I can always tell who knows what 'semantics' means and who doesn't. The results would surprise you. I mostly just do it because it's fun and funny though. Also because it gets me out of a lot of small talk, and if you have met me in the last year you know that I really dislike small talk.

Here's the thing. I'm really good at small-talk. Like, I'm probably up there with the best. Like, you know, Oprah. And Latarian Milton. Also Kimmy from Full House. I hate that I'm good at small talk. As I get older I find myself increasingly unsatisfied with many of the things that have sustained me socially for the past 21 years. President Uchtdorf (love him) gave a talk at the General Relief Society Broadcast last October wherein he said that the two most God-like attributes that will bring us happiness are compassion and creativity. I got kind of excited when he said that because I feel like those are two attributes that I am kind of good at.

In fact, when I am doing those two things, being creative and being compassionate, I feel like I am the most myself. I think this has a lot to do with my eternal identity as a woman and my works in the premortal realm as I dwelt, worked with, and learned from my Heavenly parents.

The way I see it, this duality of origin, or, rather, this 'paradigm of self' that we experience is one of the obstacles to be conquered during our journey through mortality. Allow me to explain.

There is the natural man-me, and then there is the real-me.

• The natural man (at least the natural man-me) relishes in small talk. The natural man-me is loud, obnoxious, funny and intimidating, content on making others laugh for the moment and moving on to the next social adventure. This social-butterflyism has, in the past, stopped me from creating anything real. Being popular has always left me empty. It gives me acquaintances with the illusion of friendship, but no real substance.

• The natural man-me is afraid of the judgments of others. I so fiercely feel an incredible desire to nurture the people and things around me. I love people and I want to care for them and listen to them and do everything in my power to help them be happy. Why then do I deny these instincts? Why do I abstain from offering my compassion when it is more than warranted? I am bored of the natural man-me worrying about what other natural men think.

These are just two scenarios; the dichotomy is pretty universal. That is something that was on my mind a lot last semester.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the beginning of Dallin H. Oaks' famous address 'The Dedication of a Lifetime' from May 2005. Everyone talks about the last half of that talk. I love it too, but the first half I love even more. Especially when he discusses that in our lives we do not need short, frenzied outbursts of religiosity, but rather the tranquil, steady dedication of a lifetime.

Psalm 46 verse 10 says 'Be still and know that I am God.' That phrase, like many in the scriptures, can be used in a variety of circumstances to offer comfort and counsel.

Lately I have been focused on trying harder to 'be still.' We must 'be still' to know that Heavenly Father is omnipresent and that through our Savior we can return to be with him and become like him. We must first 'be still' before we can feel the spirit's assurance of these realities.

What is needed of us to move this great gospel work forward is, above all, endurance. This is a work for sturdy, all-weather souls.

So, so far, 2009 has been about priorities. I'm trying to cut out extraneous stressors, be still, be steadfast, be immovable, be tranquil, be steady, and identify ways the adversary may be trying to distract me from exponential learning and growth aimed toward becoming a valiant disciple of Christ and a specialized instrument in His hands.

Welp, I need to go. Hopefully all my blog posts won't be so long! But if they are, oh well. The church is true...what are you going to do, right? Peace out! And wear sunscreen.