I have just spent a significant amount of time attempting to outline and justify my distaste for goodbyes in a manner that could be easily navigated. I even used variables [persons x and y]. I can't do it. Here's my final attempt at an explanation.
The thing is, I like you. I don't know if this is normal or not but I love. A lot. I love the people I know. And the people I see. And the people I met once. And the people who dated my roommates. And the people I imagine exist somewhere. I want to take care of you and hear what you have to say and take away your sadness. And when you're sad I am sad. And I think about you. Yes, even you.
And I pay more attention than you think I do. And I care more than I let on.
When I spend time with people, be it catching a movie with a girlfriend, grabbing the occasional lunch out, or running into them on campus, I will usually see that person again in a reasonable time frame. I can handle that.
Big goodbyes, the ones that call for formality, announcement and/or a title only really come for two reasons. Either you won't see that person for a decidedly long amount of time, or you won't see that person. ever. again. If I will see the person again, I would rather just have a quaint goodbye like we had the last time we hung out. Because if it was different, if our goodbye was different, then that would mean acknowledging the amount of time until I saw them again was going to be different. I can't handle it. I can't process it.
Denial, childish, capricious, selfish, tricking your brain, yes, it is all of these things.
And so, just as in the past, this time as I leave Provo for >18 months, I will not really tell anyone when I'm actually leaving town. I will avoid people I know. And I will hang onto those informal, 'see you next week' goodbyes that promise consistency and commitment and caring.
Some people have and will continue to find me inconsiderate. Or indifferent. Because I didn't care enough to say goodbye. It's okay.
I did care though. I do care. so much. I promise.
Does that help?
*in this blog post 'you' is everyone in my world. It is not directed at anyone in particular. Except you.
6 comments:
I love you too. And love the way you write. and love that you are going on a mission. a love that I plan to see you again after wards. :)
Chaela, I didn't know goodbyes were so hard for you. I hope you know that you are not the only one that it is soo difficult for. I used to cry pretty hard knowing that I wouldn't be able to see certain people for months, I hated it. Now, I still hate it because it will still be just as long til I see them again, but it brings comfort knowing that I will see them again sometime. It is the relationships that are no longer accessible to me that I find the most difficult. Anywho, have with your mission, whenever you leave!
You're so wonderful! And such a great writer! I always love to read what you have to say. You are going to be an awesome missionary! The love you have for people is so obvious, and they will feel it! We'll miss you!
I am the same way. btw.
so im back, and i really wanna see you! lets do lunch okay?!
I hate goodbyes too. But I love you! I'm so excited for your mission: now you don't have to lie to people about being an RM. Haha.
Post a Comment